Big, polka-dot, exciting Consent!
The Sexy Check-list.
What do you like? What are you not interested in doing? What helps you feel most comfortable when being intimate with someone? What are the ways that a partner interacts with you or talks about your body that makes you comfortable, or could make you feel uncomfortable? What are some ways you can be sure to respect your own and your partner’s boundaries?
You may have seen our last post all about the Sex-Talk. Check it out here if you haven’t.
So now you’re communicating with your partner(s) and you’re wondering where to go from there…
Let us start off by saying, lists can be sexy.
Before getting to the bedroom, couch, pool, car or wherever you do what it is you do, you could hash-out some of the details of what you’re into and comfortable with and find out what your partner(s) like. That means you’ll have a better idea how to please your partner and respect everyone’s boundaries. If you know what your lover likes and they know what you’re into, the sex is exponentially better. That’s a fact.
Aside from simply having a conversation about our likes and dislikes, try using a sexy check-list. It can go more in-depth and can be a less stressful type of communicating when it comes to intimate topics!
Respecting each other’s boundaries is obviously hot and 100% necessary.
Check out this tool that helps us respect our and our partners’ boundaries… the sexy checklist!
Ok, there are two elements to a sexy check-list:
1. Possible sexual acts
2. Potential responses to possible sexual acts
This is what we mean by…
1. Possible sexual acts: things that you could do with a partner(s). It’s the proverbial smorgasboard of sexual acts. This list, adapted from the website Scarleteen, is a starting point.
-A partner touching me affectionately without asking first
-A partner touching me affectionately in public
-Having a partner’s shirt/top off
-Having my pants/bottoms off with a partner
-Being completely naked with a partner. Lights on/ off/ low
-Someone else putting a condom or glove on me
-Using lubricant with a partner
-Doing things which might cause a partner momentary or minor discomfort or pain
-Doing things which might cause me sustained or major discomfort or pain
-Ejaculating, with or in front of a partner
-General massage, receiving
-Oral sex (to anus), doing to someone else
-A partner wearing something that covers their eyes
-Viewing pornography, with a partner
-Talking during sex
-Talking after sex
-And many others…
2. Possible responses: We can have a multitude of responses when discussing our boundaries. Here are 4 possible responses and their descriptions.
1. Yes = I like doing this and am usually open to it given the right circumstances
2. No = I’m not down now and for the future. Just not my thing.
3. Not sure = Not until I explicitly say yes. (Maybe I’ve never heard of it. Maybe I don’t know how I would do that. Maybe I’m not ready to do that with you… Or simply, I don’t know, so let’s not do it unless I’m sure.)
4. I’d be willing to try, if the right conditions were in place, such as_____
a. if I had my adaptive gear
b. if we had chemistry
c. if I was feeling well
d. if my pain levels weren’t too high
e. if I felt comfortable
f. if the side effects from medication weren’t bothering me
g. if I’ve showered before hand
h. if I’m not in a depression or psychosis – if I am please don’t suggest it
i. if I feel safe with you
j. if we’ve taken these steps first____,____,_____
k. think of the conditions that might suit you…
We can use many different types of codes or symbols to respond to the above questions, and pass far beyond this list to many other acts and questions. It is great to go through sexy lists like these with your lover(s) ideally before you’re overtaken by excitement!
Spend some time making your own list. It could be on paper, in a private doc on the computer or even in your head as you lie down before sleeping. Really ask yourself – what kinds of things do I like, what am I curious to try, and what is a solid no?
If you’re in a relationship,
You could make your own list, your partner(s) could make their own list and then you could come together again over coffee or tea or smoothies and go through them together. <3<3 It helps you to better know yourself and to better please your partner(s)
Lists like this are not finish lines but starting points: for evaluating
your own sexuality and/or for deeper conversations with someone else.
Fact: the more you communicate and share about sex beforehand, the better it will be!!
See? Lists can be sexy.